Baby #2

So, I'm going to be a new mommy again! Excited? Maybe, just a little. Anxious? Yes! I'm extremely ready to have this baby and start this new journey with the new love of my life.

This pregnancy is totally different than my first (Noelle, 4 years old). I am on speaking terms with the baby's father, I am employed (with a great job), and I live on my own- basically I'm independent! Seems great when I consider it, but going through this is still a whirlwind of straight mental chaos and emotional typhoons!
Dude!

The baby daddy and I, or me and this kids father, is so complicated. Its like I have to like him for the fact that I would appreciate if he sticks around (unlike Noelle's sperm donor- whom she never met ever), and I have to treat with some type of respect. On the other hand, I am totally in love him, but in a I don't want to ever be with you (but your still supposed to be single) kind of way. In all honesty, I think he may be a good father to my child, I believe in him. Yet, he didn't do A. B, and C correctly (the way I wanted it done) so he doesn't deserve me or my child's time. Crazy!

This awesome job of mine is the reason why I hate getting out of bed everyday. I dread having to be there, yet love my work! I get paid great, have excellent benefits, awesome co-workers, and can listen to music the whole time I'm there. I feel like I'm the stupidest person in the building, until I start getting work touched by other reps (then I feel like they are idiots for misspelling an abbreviated word). Then I have a moment where I get so mad at myself for judging their thought, and consider there's times I probably didn't do all the necessary research I should have, and could have messed a claim up with laziness. Weird!

So to sum this pregnancy up: I am an internal disaster who loves and hates in every encounter. Which basically means I'm having a wonderful pregnancy.

Aiming for an A in My Nature

You work hard, become (more) responsible, and take on even more responsibilities- this is basically how life goes. Your success is either recognized by praise, or by how can fulfill your families' needs. Me, personally, I appreciate fulfilling my families' needs in my personal life, and praise at work.

I remind myself of this because there will always be people, things, or feelings that test your nature. By nature, I mean you true being. The way you conduct yourself naturally with out any premeditation or outer motives. Your being on earth is nothing more than tests that lead to successes and failures within your nature. For instance, you fall in love (test: to see if this relationship will last to the end of your lives), you soon get married (success). 5 years down the line you guys figure out you aren't meant to be (failure), yet you still remain friends and raise your children together without complications (success).

It's not about the test(s), what it's about is making successes. One might misinterpret what is meant by making success- I never affirmed ONLY successes, I'm saying to make a success out of everything, including failure.

I will make it my motivation to affirm that I will make successes out of all tests I enter in to my life. I will see where I failed, or have been failed, and take responsibility for my strength at making "it" a success. If my toes are being stepped on, I, will create the means to make sure that person will not have a chance to walk near or on my path. Sounds simple, but it is not.

Its okay to be abnormal, in fact, its normal to be abnormal.. BTW what is normal?

Sitting here doing my Child Psychology assignment, I ran across an article that, in a way, disturbed me. I'm actually kind of surprised, yet impressed to my response to what I'm reading. Oh, and before I continue: BTW text-talk for "by the way". (smile)

My assignment is to read and evaluate some readings about vaccinations and if there is a connection to autism. One article was basically about a study that was severely unethical that, of course, insisted a connection (with very careful and ambiguous language) between the two. Another reading connects the responses, by way of other studies performed all over the world, that found otherwise- no apparent connection, or causation, between autism and vaccinations (MMR).

The part that prompted a response, on a personal level, was the an article about the other studies that were insisting no connection between MMR vaccine and autism. It discussed that celebrity Jenny McCartney, among many other non-celebrity parents, are blaming the vaccinations on their children developing autism. Though research proves otherwise, its a very controversial matter to parents (who have a child that was affected by autism after receiving the vaccinations).

My issue is: Autism, is it a scratch on your brand new Camaro when you take it to get washed? Or, is it that special striped custom hood that makes your Camaro a special custom made edition?

When considering average child development knowledge it seems obvious that certain diseases, illnesses, and mental illness can development and show up at any time in a persons life. Having had some shots prior to the first signs of symptoms could be coincidental right? I guess not, but research should look in to the age of onset, and the type of autism developed maybe?

What really bothers me is how the parents speak of their child being diagnosed with autism as if a vaccine has ruined their child, and lack any appreciation of healthy, breathing citizen. Our offspring, whether they be "normal" or "abnormal" to societal standards, deserve to be treated and respected as any other child or person. Why would a child having a disease like autism raise so much controversy, its like a parent being made that they colored out the lines on a picture and attacking the mouthwash company for having a .027% alcohol content- which caused the blemish to their lovely piece of art.

Am I overreacting, possibly? I just feel like instead of embracing how to help these children not be ridiculed and left behind due to lack of understanding their condition by the "normal" population, the focus has been blaming and childish finger-pointing at possibilities. Prevention is great, but autism has been around for many, many years- in the years of the baby boomers some types of autism was merely considered "socially awkward". Sometimes all these clinical indications can really alienate a person.

Until the real "normal" is discovered, I will never look at somebody with a disability as a person who is not able, or incapable of anything ordinary. I will look at my curiosity as my ignorance to understanding them and their story, perhaps.

Peave and Love!

I read a post on Facebook (of course) that really moved me. A guy I really respect, whom used to work with me, posted a metaphor about how it doesn't hurt that bad a getting a dislocated shoulder, as it does when the doctor puts it back in to place, and how the pain and struggle one is going through is the Creator (for better words) putting one's life back together.

I was blown away! I know they say it gets a little rough before it will get any easier, but my testimony was starting to feel like it was going to include evictions, repossessions, bankruptcy, lawsuits, etc. before I would see some sunshine. In fact, my testimony might include all the above, but the end of testimony will be glorious. Because at the end of my trials and tribulations will be conclusion, a remedy, a solution to all my problems. I am confident, because I believe that a higher power is helping me to make sure I want to achieve, and work for, success!

Back to the post; random acts of written encouragement has been such a blessing with social media. I feel that this type of messages on social media websites are what make the potential of humanity pure. Sure this is probably a very small occurence on a large scale, but people do not realize the power in kind and encouraging words. If they do, I still don't feel they understand the impact of their words. Too often the only attention to posts are when they are negative or bad talking something.

I hope the post I'm sharing today will have some type of affect on you, and if it doesn't I hope you can share it with somebody who can be affected by it.

The Dirty 30 =o_O=

I can not believe I am going to be 30 in less than two months! It seems like it has only been a couple years since I turned 23. It sounds scary; 30. I must say, as old as it seemed (before I was 27) is not as old as 30 feels and looks. Maybe I tell myself that because I am in a cold case of denial.

I catch myself in the club watching the "fresh 20's" dancing and prancing around, and thinking to myself: They will be older soon and won't be parading all around here all young and careless. I agree, yes I am a Hater! I'm a bitter 30 year old (to be).

All the negative and sorrow aside, I have been happy with the mental, spiritual, and (some) physical side effects of reaching the dirty 30. I noticed the past 6 months have been a struggle between am I responsible enough? Am I on the right track? Am I where I should be? The pressure lies in not being married, being a single parent, not being in a serious relationship, and not even owning a home yet =/. I have figured out these worries are normal and all part of natural growing pains. It would be abnormal to not have these worries on my mind (in my position).

So I have grown okay with turning 30. I love new experiences, and this I will take just as that: A New and Exciting passage in to another chapter of my life!

Struggling Ethnocentrism

In order of discovery, I'm American, I'm Hip-Hop, and, last but not least, I'm Black.  

My identity was something I adapted socially, and through self discovery. My culture is something I feel that I inherited, and modified in my own coming of age. I was born a Black girl, and grew up around black people who were jaded by the past discrimination they watched, faced, and fell victim to. I learned later that I'm not just a black girl, African-American is what they mistakenly call me, when in fact, I'm American. Socially and influentially I became apart of the growing, emerging, and innovative Hip-Hop generation. I'm diverse in my own right you can say.

My ethnicity makes me proud. The ethnocentrism I feel  is as solid as a straw house, yet I feel my honor is solid as concrete. For all that I am proud to be, is also all that I fear is the corruption in the society. Yes, I'm a proud American, born and bread! The American ethnicity is something I materialistically honor in comparison to third-world issues, yet shun despicably when in comparison to better socially fit countries. Ethnocentric? No, just proud that this black skinned of lost ancestry, no lineage to her "motherland" in Africa, has a place to belong, a land that her lineage is traceable with. American adapted, as adopted long ago, my culture reflects of this.

My identity is complex. Hip-Hop is a culture? I say, it's my way of life, and it's a way of life. My dress, my spirituality, idealism, social settings, my language, my goals, and my interests all express my culture (Hip-Hop). The argument, wouldn't Hip-Hop serve as a subculture is irrefutable. Yet when my American goals, interests, and ideas are centered around my Hip-Hop perspectives. Social and economical issues, policy issues, and other problems that are oblivious to the normal "American" is how my identity with Hip-Hop serves me honorable importance. Superior? Yes in its diversified nature to be Hip-Hop is to be influential to, influence by the underdog, the one who is out of the group, and the shunned. I struggle to find my ethnocentrism in a culture that has no out-group. So its honored, with open arms and minds for understanding. 

I'm Black and I'm proud! a statement that called for unity of the race of people who were unfairly treated and discriminated against. When proud, honor, and passion is applied to race, culture, and ethnicity the result of the love is hate. When people tried to build themselves up, they also created the thing can tear them down. Ethnocentrism to be positive when the line that separates it from being a negative is invisibly thin. I just wanted to test my Ethnocentrism to see if my identities are being a evil or positive. Fortunately my open-minded acceptance and allegiance to Hip-Hop holds the least. My honor and proud for the land of the free, home of the brave hold the beast. 

Hate my Ethnicity? Never! Just be aware of the Ethnocentrism, and like with meditation, be even more aware of its voice from MY inner voice of reason, peace, and ideas(GOD).  I'm just gonna leave it there on that note..... LOVEPEACE&IDEAS(GOD)

Looking forward, make Solutions to Resolutions

  Very interesting when you browse you Facebook wall during the last month, or, especially, the last week of the year. To be particular, my News Feed is nothing but random opinions, promises, and plans for to become, or of becoming, a better this, a more wiser that, or something totally superficial like a brand new European car to park in front of their mother's house. This is the third year that I have a Facebook account, so I feel it's safe to say this is a trend. For some reason this amazes me too. I wonder do people really think in a matter of a second, from December 31, 2011 11:59:59 to January 1. 2012 12:00:00, you are "officially" starting a new life? 

  I believe that some people are convinced that they are a fresh flesh, or a clear slate, in that split second. I know for a fact, that I will hear a person say, "it's a new year, and I ain't going to", at the least 5 times a month. Fast-forward six months later in the year, and they totally forgot about all those goals, expectations, and flipped-flopped on all the rules they set for themselves. These people really expect a process to take place over night, and that is a very unrealistic expectation, but what really bothers me is that people notice they need to work on something, yet they hold it off until the new year to start working on it.

  In 2011, I made 8 "resolutions" sparingly throughout the year. Except I consider them solutions, due to the fact that I noticed I had a problem, a issue, and it needed to be addressed. So I started to fix at the acknowledgement instead of looking forward to the beginning of a new calender year. Maybe because I'm always seeking to better myself spiritually, intellectually, and aesthetically (mental/physical), I don't consider a new 365 day cycle a cleansing experience. If a new annual is what matters, why don't people set resolutions for their birthday? That's one's actually new year, as in 365 day cycle.

  Don't get me wrong, I'm not against setting "resolutions"; I'm against procrastination when you feel like you should change something internally. I'm against the ignorance of thinking a new year is expected to bring you something different if you are not contributing something different. I made solutions, and implemented them in my life at several different moments, and I'm just looking forward to a new semester that will end with me having straight A's. I'm looking forward to watching my daughter grow, learn, and experience the world with more observation. And that's just it, I'm looking forward.